Taking Matters Into My Own Hands..

Hi everyone..
Thank you for looking at my blog.. I decided to start writing this as a way to keep me sane during the journey I'm about to embark on, as well as hopefully providing a good resource/insight for others also venturing into the daunting world of single motherhood and adoption. And my friends can all keep up-to-date with what I'm up to :-)

I've been waiting so long to start a family of my own. It's something I have always wanted but over the years whenever the time hasn't been "right", I have managed to mask my feelings and convince myself I don't want it, or I'm not ready. Almost anyway..

I married young at 21. Too young (and anyone that's 21 and says it's not too young.. it IS. My friends told me I was too young but I'm the kind of person that has to make my own mistakes. And I did.), to a man 13 years older than me. Everyone told me it was wrong and when it became apparent that he was never going to want to have children, I convinced myself I didn't want them either. But there's something about having something suddenly taken away from you that makes you realise how much you do want it.. even if it's not right now.

Needless to say for that and darker reasons, we split up. Then I met someone at the opposite end of the spectrum.. at only 21 himself and not at all ready for an adult relationship nevermind children, it didn't last. And finally my last husband. We were together for nearly 8 years. And I waited.. waited.. waited..

I've waited to be with who I thought was the "right" person. I've waited for that person to be ready. I've waited for it to be the right time financially. I've even gotten to the point where we're "ready" and my last husband and I started trying for a baby.. (well.. I was trying. He agreed to have sex with me once a month.. it didn't work) but by then I was so desperate I couldn't walk by Mothercare without crying and I could "understand" women that steal babies.. and with that I realised that it was nothing to do with wanting us to be a family and everything to do with my need for a child. And with that I realised what a mistake it would be to have one with him because our marriage was anything but right and he was anything but "Mr Right".

We parted nearly 2 years ago in a blaze of scandle. And then I met him.. "Mr Right".. The one. The love of my life. The first and only person I could and probably ever will truly call my soulmate and the only one I've ever really wanted a child with. And he was everything to me.. everything but mine..

Now I'm 32. No guarentee I'll meet someone anytime soon, or that if I did they'll be ready or able before I'm 35 when it starts to get more difficult. And one day I realised.. I could wait. I could do nothing and cross my fingers that this mythical man will appear and grant all my wishes just in the nick of time.. but the risk is too great. I realised.. I COULD wait.. as I have  always done. But why do I have to??

I CAN do this alone. And I won't be totally alone, I have wonderful friends and supportive colleagues and I can do it. People do it the world over. It's not going to be easy but people do it. Half of the women in my family have raised children alone and those children are loved and cherished as much as any other.

And since making the decision.. I have never felt happier. I am taking matters into my own hands and ensuring that I don't miss out. If I'm lucky I'll still find someone to settle down with later and he will be Mr Right because he'll want me and my child.

I thought about donor insemination at first.. it seemed logical. I am lucky.. there is no reason I know of, that I couldn't give birth to a child. But.. something in me, something from my own childhood made me think about all of the children in care or in foster homes that need a mother to love them. I remember praying when I was little that someone would adopt me (or at least take me away from my birth mother!) and if I could be that someone to a child like me.. all the things I experienced growing up would have been worth it. I was lucky enough to have a Nan and an Aunt and friends and my own iron will to help me through.. not everyone is that lucky. And if I cannot have a child that is fully mine because I am with that special someone.. why shouldn't I try to adopt. It would be selfish of me not to consider it. And if it doesn't work out and they don't believe I'm right for adoption, well I'm still young enough to try the other route.

So I have considered it... and now this is my journey.