How Should I Feel..?

I've been having a little wobble recently...

It started with me getting in a bit of a tizz about how I should feel. Excited? Cool, calm & collected (hah!)? Positive? Sensible and realistic?.. I want to be stupid excited and positive but feel.. like that might be wrong somehow. I'm talking about regarding the outcome.

I was shopping online at one of my favourite home accessory stores Casa Mia looking at signs for my kitchen (I'm redecorating) and I saw all these lovely signs about "family" that I wanted to buy for Lily's room. I put one in the basket and removed it, then added it, then removed it.. and on it went. I didn't buy it but it left me in a bit of a state. RIDICULOUS.. I know. But I couldn't work out whether I should be stubbornly positive and say "I AM going to be mum" or not tempt fate and wait.

Why.. I Want To Adopt..

I won't deny that part of the motivation for a lot of the decisions I've made have been because of my mother. How I watched her treat her own children - at best with indifference, or like a chore and at worst with neglect and abuse. When close friends around me were unable to naturally have children of their own, she was blessed with 5 of her own which she continually abandoned and only one of which now has anything to do with her.

Why.. I Want To Be A Mother

As part of this process I've been forewarned that the Social Worker (SW) is going to want to delve quite deeply into everything there is to know.. my background, family, experiences growing up, relationships, etc. Anything that will give them an idea as to whether I will make a good mother and what kind. That at times it may seem unnecessarily intrusive or even irrelevant..

I know "why" in my head.. but I know as I tell more people my plans and when I finally meet the SW, I am going to need to be as articulate as I can be. I guess the "why" is technically 2 questions... why do I want to start a family and why do I want to adopt.. but to me they're sort of the same answer.. so here goes!

Everyone Has A Right To An Opinion.. BUT

A lovely friend shared a link to this post with me - a Daily Mail online article about Charlize Theron who has adopted a baby boy on her own.

My first and only thought was.. wow, good for her. She's taking matters into her own hands and realising a dream of starting her own family despite her single status and in the least selfish way by adopting a child already in need. How great that despite probably being able to get any man she wanted to give up his sperm and despite having more than enough money to go through IVF, donor insemination, etc. if she so wished..  she's chosen to adopt. And yes, okay she can afford a ton of helpers, etc. but she will still be a single woman responsible for a child for the rest of it's life.

Then.. I scrolled down to read the comments which was a mistake because every time I think about it I get angry all over again. These are a few.. (and I'm sorry but I am going to get on my soap box!)

"These celebrities are a bunch of freaks? If a woman can have kids naturally have them, stop adopting they are not shopping bags.This is not normal."

Look What Arrived Today!

"Dear Lily's Mom,  
Further to your initial interview with PACT we would like to confirm that we would be happy to work with you towards assessing you as a prospective adopter.... "

Application Form in the post and booked onto the Preparation Group days starting 18th April!
Once they receive the application form back, they'll assign a SW and the clock starts ticking! They will try to take me to panel in 6 months (all going well!)... this years Christmas present may be the best yet :-)