It's time ladies.. it turns out, I've been fooling myself. I've been trying "casual dating" and it’s not for me.
I am 120% committed to the adoption process that I have embarked on and whilst I have wobbles such as "aaaaaaargh.. how will I cope financially?".. and "shiiiiiiiiiiiit.. what do I do in the school holidays?" and "holy crap.. have I gone mad, I can barely remember to buy food for my cats!".. I'm led to believe these are all normal. And they have never ever made me question if I can really do it. Nor whether I can do it alone. I know I can. I KNOW I can. Because if nothing else, I'm determined and bloody stubborn and I have been telling myself since I was old enough to work out what it meant that I would never ever let a child down like I was.
Nor have I ever thought that I am doing this INSTEAD of finding a playmate/partner in crime/fellow people watcher. It was my intention to focus on the adoption now because it's a lengthy process and I already want this yesterday. And embarking on a new relationship now could turn out to be a waste of time and then I have to start all over again. So my plan of plans was to try and successfully make it through the adoption process and out the other side with Lily in tow and together we would look for Mr and Daddy Right.
So I figured.. casual dating was the way to go. And before you all start stoning me for being a hussy.. I'm not talking about sleeping around. In my mind, I was seeing "the gay best friend". Who wasn't actually gay. So more the "best friend with benefits"? The man I could spend time with, go out to dinner with, cuddle on the sofa with, even have sex with! But just not fall in love with..
Unfortunately I missed two vital points..
1. I am not made to be alone. I holiday alone. I've been to the cinema alone. I deal with things alone. I make decisions alone. I even decorate alone and actually quite enjoy sleeping in my bed alone. And whilst I'm ready to share my life with a child - that's different. It's the waking up part that doesn't work. The coming home from work after a stressful day and wanting someone to drink wine with part. More than that, it's the having someone that you know is there for you part. Not to rely on, just to know is there.
2. Casual.. it turns out, is not for me. I love sex. (Oh hush now, I'm an adult and so are you) I do. But not with just anyone. I need to feel connected. I need to feel attracted to that person and feel attractive because of it. There's just one problem with that.. anyone I feel that way about, I will want an actual relationship with!
So without really knowing what I was doing and before figuring this out.. I embarked on some dates. I didn't tell them about the adoption. I didn't have a plan.. I just thought I'd give the online dating scene a go. There was the guy that took my number and never called. There was the guy that stood me up. Twice in the same weekend and never contacted me again! There's the guy that emails me once a month to try and hook up and then appears to be too busy. Oh and the very awkward drink I had in an empty pub on a Sunday night with a scientist (right cos I haven't had enough geeks in my time!). Then there was the date at the farm.. lovely bloke but he gave me a hug when I met him at his house (!) from where he was going to drive us to the farm. It was lovely but feeding lambs definitely does not spark an interest other than that of "bud". We still chat actually but I know he's interested in more dates and I'm just not. Then there was the guy that walked like an ape and had no time when I was available. He had a daughter he saw weekends, so was only free on Sundays or Mondays! My 2 worst nights of the week. We got on well enough and our first date was great. He quickly wanted to follow up with wanting a second but.. and call me harsh if you want.. if I'm doing this casual thing to get what I need from it when I need it then it’s got to be when I'm available!
I didn't factor on the guilt.. I felt bad at not telling them about the adoption. Like I was leading them down the garden path. Which I was. I did say on my profile that I was interested in dating and nothing serious but I'm not convinced either of the dates so far implied the same thing from that statement as I was intending. But you can hardly say on your profile.. sorry I can't get involved with anyone seriously because I'm in the middle of adopting, but if you feel like buying me dinner a few times, I might boink you... can you!?
So then I thought, I'd look specifically for the guy who was "not looking for any kind of commitment". But even then (put your stones away), the one night stand was not what I was looking for. Hence my next date. His profile stated.. “selfish prick”. Like some kind of glutton for punishment this had a strange appeal and I started my initiating email message with.. “mutual selfishness for mutual gain may be just what I need right now”. Interestingly, my lovely work friend appears to have figured me out already. As soon as I told her what his profile said, she put her head in her hands and cried “oh my God.. You’re going to fall in love with him!”
We had a perfectly pleasant evening. Food was lovely. Talk easy. Both quite happy about what we were looking for in the other. Unfortunately, when he turned up I realised that the photo of his side profile and torso made him look larger and more manly than he was. At 5ft 4" in my 2.5" heels, I was almost as tall as him and I felt larger/broader in comparison. Like I'd be the one doing the saving in a fight! Not good.. It wasn’t my intention to get down to it that night.. not a sex-on-the-first-date kinda girl. On the other hand.. I was staying over at the hotel we’d eaten in and I'd gone to a lot of effort downstairs. The sex was rubbish and he turned out to be selfish indeed! Nuff said. Oddly, the whole experience made me feel more lonely than ever.. hence conclusions 1 and 2.
So I'm left with 2 choices.. STOP looking altogether until after the adoption, or look with intent. And looking with intent means coming clean about the adoption early on. If they don't stick, they're not the ones. I'm not in a rush.. I'll take the time to get this right. I have to for Lily's sake now. So I came up with a plan.. I was previously on some free dating site, but I figured if I was going to do this properly I was going to cough up and pay to be on a proper site where hopefully other like-minded people of the opposite sex will have done the same. So last night.. all aglow from my de-stressing in this wonderful spa, I wrote my profile. And although I didn't mention a child in it, I said in my stats that I had one. My plan being that if someone gets in touch by email, then I'll own up to not having a child right not but to be on my way..
If they don't stick because I'm adopting specifically then they don't share some of my values and aren't for me anyway. If they don't stick because I have kids, then they're also not right given that my other option is to wait until I DO have a child already. It is absolutely not my intention to stop this ball I've started rolling. I'm on this road and I'm seeing it through and if I do meet someone they will know that we are going to be on a slow burn until it's over. Is that unrealistic..? We’re not teenagers any more. I felt good about the decision, but still, I didn't publish it. I just wanted to have a little think. Did I definitely think this was the right way to go or frankly was there any point? The likelihood of me finding someone during this process? Little to none. The chance of me meeting someone who is then willing to wait in the wings until Lily's settled?? Exactly. But miracles do happen.. and then this happened...
Before I left for the spa my Adoption UK newsletter dropped through the post. I brought it with me to read in peace. Before my facial this morning I started to flick through and in it there is an article on a woman who adopted a few years ago. She's written a book. In it she tells of her story from making the decision to adopt, to after her daughter is placed. But more than that.. during her journey she met someone. And they fell in love. She told him about the adoption on their second date and he was supportive, enthusiastic. And she managed to keep him at arm’s length until her daughter was placed, though all the while he was very much part of the process. Like me, she felt that introducing him part way through might delay or jeopardise things fully. Of course that meant she had to go with her gut instinct about whether he could be a good dad for her daughter and not that of the SWs and VA and a billion other officials post check after check. But then.. Isn’t that how it works every day in real life!?
It sounds like a fairy-tale and very far away from where I am now, but as I lay there having my face swamped in fruit acids (if anyone wants to know what that's like by the way.. I was told by the therapist that it dissolves dead skin cells and that it tingles most where there is the largest build of them - so if anyone has ever sprayed Viakal into a shower head, you'll know what was happening to my face at this point!) I knew. It was my sign. There's hope for me and my fairy-tale and after my facial I rushed straight back to my room and pressed PUBLISH. Then I bought her book!
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