A Spanner - With A Nice Smile and Good Arms..

What happened next surprised only me it would seem. Everyone else appeared to be labouring under the idea that the next "man for me" was just around the corner.. all except me obviously. My reply from the finance geek turned into several. And then a date, which went so well I could barely believe it. At the end of the date, he wanted to know if he could see me again and I said yes.

The rest, is a bit of a blur. It’s been about 4 weeks and I have learnt a lot about him, what's important to him and what he wants from life and a lot about myself too actually. We were both very upfront with each other about what we were looking for in our next relationship. An uncomplicated love. Not a pen pal, not a one-night-stand and not a fairy-tale but something real... Randomly one day he told me something out of the blue that his sister was adopted. For some reason he’d felt that I may be going to tell him that I couldn't have children so he wanted me to know he’d thought about the idea of adoption, for himself; wasn't against it and had personal experience of it.

Shocked?... if you walk up to someone in the street and tell them you’re adopting, most people won’t know what the hell you’re on about. “Can’t you have your own?” “Doesn’t it take forever?” etc. etc. It’s not a concept that registers on a lot of peoples’ minds. And yet here was this guy telling me not only was someone in his family adopted but he was prepared to consider it for him!

No I didn't drag him down the aisle immediately, what I did instead was have a panic attack about all the secrets I was keeping from him. About my plans, my decisions. What was currently going on with the VA and why it was making me a little crazy. So I got in a tizz, like I do and vomited my story all over his inbox. And then we talked about it and I got to know him a little more and in my head I decided I needed to see where this could lead. Not because of the adoption thing in itself but because of his lack of surprise, or shock. Because of his grown up attitude to it. His attitude in general and the way he was approaching this. Us. What we might be. He didn’t want to make a mistake this time either. He wanted to get it right too. So we saw each other more and he has since met my friends. My lovely friend D, who will quite happily tell me what was wrong with my last 4 partners, was arranging a weekend away for the 4 of us by the end of the day!

We've talked some about our previous experiences and during a week where we were unable to see each other, played 20 questions. Well.. 20.. actually ended up at about 40. Fun and silly questions and serious questions, looking to learn more from the responses. Would I marry again? Did he really want children and when? Couldn't have had better responses. Someone even commented that he sounded like me :-)

And then I had the meeting with the VA and he was so supportive. More than I would have expected given I’ve known him only 4 weeks, have told him I would happily dump him if he hasn’t proven his worth by Jan and let’s face it, is at risk anyway considering my desire to be mum not later but now and who knew what the outcome of the meeting would be?

So... THEN did I relax? No.. then I continued to try and sabotage the best thing that may be going to be happen to me in FOREVER.

I asked him to come over one night... because I wanted to see him. And he did. Changed his plans, left his dinner on the side and came over. With paint from Homebase which is not next door to his house. And it was a nice eve. Cuddle on the sofa, Chinese.. until he started pointing out that despite the fact that we clearly liked each other I still appeared to be resisting it in true Terminator style. Not in a mean way, though I can imagine it must be frustrating. Sort of joking but also not. Which annoyed me because it was true and I didn’t know why or what to do about it. So I did the only thing a mental person would do and asked him to leave. :-) Nicely. Sort of. And then I cried. Because I’m an idiot. An idiot that one day soon has to learn to stop being pig-headed and ask for help.

I know deep down, somewhere along the way, bad after bad, has affected my ability to seize hold of something that could be good. Totally natural and very effective defense mechanism that happens to us all when we get hurt and let down. I told my friend today what had happened and she told me to pick up the phone immediately and make an appointment with a counsellor. NOT because I AM actually mental but because sometimes, you just need perspective and apparently self-analysis of 32yrs of crap isn’t necessarily going to be enough. Because after my last relationship the shields are well and truly up and I can spend the next x yrs breaking them back down again on my own or find someone to help me do it quickly before he decides I'm more hassle than it's worth!

It made me think about my meeting with the VA properly and I guess realised something I couldn’t see then through my stubbornness. Do I think I have poor attachments to my friends? Absolutely not. However I know full well that my friendships have had some stumbles over the years because of how I retreat and close people out. I lost someone who I thought of like a sister because of that and I’ve worked hard since then to put that right with the others but there is no denying that my childhood has massively impacted on my friendships and my relationships. And now I am in danger of fecking up something that could be my happy ending. A happy ending with good arms!

I like him enough to know I don't want to risk it.

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